When I envision my ideal future wife, I picture a woman who makes me almost as happy as Flo Rida's "Right Round."

Not since Babe Ruth invented his candy bar have ingredients so perfectly combined to form such an exhilarating sensory experience. From the first bleep-bloops to the final zing-zongs, the single's beat captures the essence of energy in an earth-shattering three and a half minutes. When united with an industrial-grade-hook ("You spin my head right round, right round/When you go down, when you go down, down"), a rowdy mutation of Dead or Alive's 1984 smash, the song becomes more catchy than the Jonas Brothers wearing baseball gloves.

The rapper, named after a state full of people who, ironically, are physically unable to dance to "Right Round," releases an unintelligible flurry of words - noises less reminiscent of the English language than the sweet, fluid rush of Willy Wonka's chocolate waterfall. After a few passionate listenings, however, I panned some golden nuggets from the stream of lyrics. In the second verse, Flo Rida explains, "that bottom is waving at me/like damn it, I know ya" - a metaphorical gem Keats would be proud of (though, I assume the poetic master never had the pleasure of such an anatomically unique greeting).

In all seriousness, Flo Rida has tapped into the modern American consciousness. No longer the dirty secret of unhappy husbands and white kids on spring break, stripping has ridden the coattails of today's economic downturn straight from the red light district onto Main Street. As middleclass workers are being dismissed like cripples from Julliard, the credit card, Internet connection and LCD screen have been traded for the more plebian fistful of Washingtons, low self-esteem and live show. As Flo Rida most certainly understood this cultural phenomenon when he made "Right Round," the song's vast success could hardly come as a surprise.

The first time I listened to "Right Round" was like the first time I read "Harry Potter": I knew it was magical, but, for a while, refused to believe it was real. Thank God it is.