Having slept off the last twelve hours, letting it all settle in my mind, I finally feel ready to assign grades to the Rites performers: 1. The Flaming Lips, A+ A no-brainer. If you have to ask, you'll never know. What went wrong: Wayne Coyne's anachronistic political statements got us feeling not so warm and fuzzy. 2. Pico Vs. Island Trees, A "Who?" you may ask. Well, you won't be asking that in a couple years. These guys have it: a charismatic lead singer, a crack team of musicians, and catchy songs (they sound like alternative 90’s mixed with 80’s pop sensibilities). Plus, they're down to earth. The lead singer gave me a free copy of their CD when I showed them what I wrote about them in the Torch. What went wrong: Nothing, but they may need to come up with a shtick if they want to hit it big. 3. Grand Ole Party, A- GOP continues to defy my ability to pigeonhole them. On the one hand, their music is excellent and pretty much novel (they sound somewhat like The Dead Weather, Jack White's latest musical project, but not really). On the other hand, their performance nearly ruined it. GOP's lead singer/drummer, Kristen Gundred, had the audience spellbound during the songs but came across as a matronly control-freak in between songs. She chided an audience member "Please don't [scream]", asked the techs on behalf of the guitarist "Can we get a guitar string fixed?" and, when his guitar strap broke, said "You can sit down if you'd like." Gundred has the looks and the voice, but she needs to work on her confidence, step out from behind her drum kit - and, let's face it, shed a couple pounds - before she can be a star. She may even need a new band. What went wrong: The guitar falling apart with no replacements was embarrassing. The crowd nearly revolted. I think the bassist missed a note. 4. N.E.R.D., B+ I gotta admit, "mosh pit" is not the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks "Pharrell." But with two drummers, two guitarists, three(?) keyboardists, a bassist, and three vocalists, hell was bound to be raised. Pharrell would praise us for being A and B students in one breath and then tell us to lose our minds and screw each other in the next. But this contradiction is just what college students live for. And let's face it, N.E.R.D. gave us exactly what we wanted: an opportunity to lose our minds. Let's just hope we get them back before finals. What went wrong: Forgot to tell us to calm down at the end, thereby trapping us in a never-ending mosh pit 5. T.I., B I’m still impressed VPB brought us T.I., who sat atop the Top 40 charts the majority of last semester and is nothing if not paid. T.I. really couldn't have put on a better performance. He brought his swagger, his posse, his inspirational life-changing reality show story, and his upcoming prison sentence. So why does he only get a B? A couple reasons. T.I. couldn't overcome the fact that he was trying to have a rap concert, which seldom works very well. T.I.'s other problem was that his opening act, Q-Tip, sounded fresher than him, and Q-Tip's been in the rap game for two decades. What went wrong: Didn't prove his credentials in a T.I. vs. Q-T.I.P. rap battle. 6. Q-Tip, B So why is Q-Tip lower than T.I.? Mainly due to boneheaded sound crew mistakes. What went wrong: Couldn't take the boneheaded sound crew mistakes in stride. 7. K'naan, B I went in with very high expectations for K'naan, and he just didn't deliver. But he was still pretty good. Be on the lookout, Akon. What went wrong: Focused too much on his world music, didn’t sing enough of his catchy tunes. 8. Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, B Energetic. But they play as if the last fifty years never happened. It’s kind of pretentious. What went wrong: Got a little too into the music. Was he playing the harmonica or smoking crack? 8. Star Death and the White Dwarfs, B- Ahh, Star Death. They’ve got all the theatrics of the Flaming Lips – smoke, fireworks, enormous projector screens, extended self-indulgent instrumental breaks – but none of the charisma. The effect is they come off as Spinal Tap, which is awesome, but they didn’t seem in on the joke. Their luckiest turn came when Wayne Coyne vindicated his fellow Oklahomans by inviting them on stage to reprise their amazing cover of “Borderline.” But underneath the smoke, mirrors, and timely use of drum machines, this band has serious issues. I remember thinking: they could be the best band in the world, if they didn’t suck so much. Now I realize what they have to do to stop sucking. Open for the Flaming Lips as a Madonna cover band. What went wrong: Too much cosmic exploration, not enough Madonna covers. 9. Erick Baker, B- He brought his energy and his backup musicians, and he can sing. But hearing someone belt out "I am broken" repeatedly is not my idea of fun times. What went wrong: Deep down, we all know he’s just an Emo kid. 10. Santigold, C+ Charmed the crowd with her girl-next-door persona, but went a little too heavy on the M.I.A.-type songs at the expense of her strength, eclectic-ness. I’m still puzzled as to why she felt the need to rep Brooklyn in Nashville. What went wrong: Let her backup dancers steal the spotlight, and didn’t play her “killer app” song, “Lights Out.” 11. Sara Watkins, C The music was good, but the energy was not there at all. It's far better to go over the top than to under do it. What went wrong: "Sara Watkins" doesn't hold together as a solo act. Needs to go back to Nickel Creek. I didn’t see Run With Bulls, BlueSkyReality, or Okkervil River. Feel free to chime in if you did. Overall I'd give the festival a B+. The performances were better than I expected and came on time for the most part. VPB brought in something for everyone. I enjoyed myself for sure, and the cynic in me was happily disappointed. The one glaring absence, I now realize, was the lack of sexy female performers. When the sexiest chick in your festival is a toss-up between Santigold and the girl from Grand Ole Party, you know you’ve got problems. VPB should have tried harder for Electrik Red, and they should let someone like Lady Gaga headline next year.