Hello, readers. Before I formally begin this article, I’d like you to do the following:

1. Find something edible.

2. Find 10-30 yards of relatively open running space.

3. Attempt to eat all of that edible something while running the 10-30 yards you’ve found yourself.

Hello, new readers. I assume you’ve just watched your extremely thick friend scald, asphyxiate or generally maim themselves with some manner of foodstuff. You must be wondering what exactly they were trying to do.

Well, I’m glad you asked, because your hospital-bound buddy was actually doing a pretty solid impression of Vanderbilt’s 2009 hurry-up offense.

So far, this year, discounting their game against a weak-at-best Western Carolina team, the Commodores offense has been an absolute catastrophe. In their first two Southeastern Conference games this year, Vandy has managed just a paltry 372 yards of total offense, the nadir being just 162 against a Mississippi State team that nearly let up 50 points to Auburn the week prior.

Rice doesn’t have a defense approaching SEC-caliber status, but since good defense beats good offense, does that mean bad defense beats bad offense too? If that’s true, the Commodores are in trouble.

Admittedly, part of the problem here is the lack of experience at the talent positions. The team is relying largely on a quarterback who’s played in five games to this date at the college level, a pair of freshman running backs and a reciever core that’s returning just one of its top-six receivers from last year (Brandon Barden).

However, instead of being reasonable and allowing the new players to gradually become accustomed to the sheer speed of SEC football, the Vanderbilt coaching staff saw an opportunity to mix things up a bit.

Enter the no-huddle offense.

While it’s definitely true that Vandy’s offense needs to mix it up a bit to be successful in, arguably, the best defensive conference in college football, the hurry-up just isn’t the right way to do it. It’s a lot like giving a toddler a big piece of chocolate cake before their bedtime — you don’t do it because they go on a sugar high, crash into walls and puke everywhere.

Vanderbilt’s offense has done just that, except without incurring a $2,000 bill from Mr. Henderson for the replacement of his “priceless,” “antique” carpeting. (Your son’s vomit was the best thing that ever happened to that thing, Steve.)

In any case, Vanderbilt has, on average, possesed the ball for 22:44 per game, compared to the 37:16 of their opponents. This doesn’t just reflect poorly on the offense, but it also has pretty terrible implications for the defense, who are likely to fatigue from the sheer amount of time they have to spend on the field.

How about that? When it comes down to it, the hurry-up plan has succeeded in making not only the offense a whole lot worse, but the rest of the team as well.