Dear Vanderbilt Defense,

Well, here it goes. I’ve wanted to say this for a while now, but I haven’t quite found the words until now. Our relationship is just so … so rocky, that I feel I have to address this before I lose you — and our season — forever.

It truly is hard to describe just how selfless you are and have been for the past five weeks. You have stayed out on the field for me when I repeatedly fail to pick up first downs, pouring out sweat as I continue another porous performance.

You have made big plays to give us hope — to give us a chance — only to see me botch another snap, another series, another game. Somehow, you’re always there to try to pick me up when I fall, when I fail (and, admittedly, that has been often). Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that you complete me.

And I complete nothing.

I would like to take this opportunity to offer a formal apology on behalf of myself, the Vanderbilt offense, to you for all I have done to wrong you in our tenuous relationship this season. Oh, you say all the right things, of course, putting part of the blame on your shoulders in our highly public relationship.

Even so, we both know the truth: I’m the one letting us down. If I could call something other than a quarterback draw, other than a halfback draw, other than an option read (that always leads, in case you haven’t noticed, to the running back taking it off-tackle for a loss), maybe things would be different between us.

Maybe things would be better. Maybe we would be better.

Nevertheless, the reality of the situation is that I have been terrible to you. Awful.

Miserable. Unbearable. Take Saturday, for example. You tried to treat me to a nice, candlelit dinner, deciding graciously to feast on Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead’s propensity for risky throws and ordering us an Upset Special to share. How did I reward you for this gesture? By not taking a single bite.

I had more false starts (11) than pass completions (10), more penalty yards (74) than passing yards (69), more punting yards (276) than total offensive yards (240).

You must have asked for the check faster than Kanye West got on stage at the VMA’s, but I couldn’t tell. I was already out the door, done with another date — another drive — all too soon. In fairness, though, you should be able to understand how antsy and anxious I was; after all, you’ve seen me in the no-huddle set before.

Enough with the negatives, though. In the end, we are linked by our love of the game, our love of the fans, our love of Vanderbilt. Let’s try to put this dry spell past us, shall we? I promise I’ll put out this week against Army, and we can go from there … you know, get back to .500, see where things go.

Maybe I can give you a breather after a strong run up the middle, or an 8-yard slant, or a 14-yard out route to the tight end. Maybe we can step 5 yards forward instead of 5 yards backwards. Maybe, just maybe, we can make this work.

Otherwise, it’s only fair to let you move on and defend someone else. From now on, this love — this season — is on me. I truly hope, for both our sakes, I can actually complete this attempt.

Sincerely,
Your Offensive Offense