The other day I was taking a small nap. I set my alarm and then promptly passed out in bed. After an epic dream, I woke up feeling refreshed. Then I looked outside. It was pitch black.

I started freaking out. I had gone to bed at four and now it was midnight. How could I have been so stupid that I let eight precious hours trickle through my fingers? I looked at the clock, fearing the worst, and then realized that it was only 5:30 p.m. This has not been the first incident nor will it be the last.

I found out, after very little research, that this strange phenomenon is called “Daylight Savings Time,” and it could be the biggest scam known to college students. Contrary to the name’s implications, these people are stealing daylight from poor college students. Instead of the sun setting at a reasonable time like 6 p.m., the sun now sets at 5 p.m. This way the people who get up at ridiculously early hours (think before noon) can see on the way to their jobs. These people are not “saving daylight.” They are robbing us of it.

One reason I know that Daylight Savings Time is a trap is that China has not switched. One of the oldest and wisest nations has come to the conclusion that this is a stupid idea. Instead of shifting their clocks every fall and spring, they just set their clock so that they get the “extra” hour of summer daylight all throughout the year. Unfortunately, we in the rest of the world have not yet realized that time is arbitrary and that the sun could set at 11 p.m. if we so desired.

So how do scientists do it? They wait until Sunday morning when all the college students are either too drunk to know what’s happening or staring blankly at an organic chemistry book trying to bore a hole in the pages with their minds. The scientists then wave a magic wand and roll back time until it is once again 1 a.m. on Sunday. One would think time would change at midnight on Saturday night or some slightly less arbitrary time, but instead it changes on Sunday morning. The reasoning behind this: The stupid people would all get stuck on the Saturday before Daylight Savings Time. That would lead to a time rip in the fabric of the universe and instant death for all. Luckily, our scientists have outsmarted nature and have declared that we will switch two hours after midnight, and thus we never get stuck in time. At least if they’re tricking us, we won’t all die in a time-rip incident (although some will still die).

The last reason I absolutely cannot support Daylight Savings Time is that it kills. Someone may tell you that that statement is absolutely ridiculous and then qualify their argument by saying that smoking kills, but they are just ignorant of the truth of the “Silent Killer.” The Silent Killer siphons life away at night when no one is watching. For those with birthdays between one and two on the first seven days of November, Daylight Savings Time can be a true health hazard. These people (expecting a mean lifetime of about 80 years) go to bed on Saturday night and wake up Sunday morning two years older. Their birthday occurred twice in the night, and as a result they are now one-eightieth closer to their death than they should be.

Clearly, daylight savings is a concoction of swindlers. Although you may think “oh, an extra hour,” in reality you are losing this hour. If we all just set our clock ahead one hour like the Chinese do, we would have a later sunset not only in the summer but also in the winter. Don’t get scammed!

—Phil Ingram is a sophomore in the School of Engineering. He can be reached at philip.d.ingram@vanderbilt.edu.