The SEC has a well-earned reputation as college football’s toughest conference, and much of this has to do with its motley crew of high-paid, high-powered head coaches. In some of their cases, their knowledge of the game is exceeded only by their arrogance, conceit and rule-bending. Others conduct themselves with respect and honor, and others fall somewhere in between.
So we decided we’d take a look at the array of personalities that make up the 12 Heads of the conference, and rank them in order of a nebulous, vulgar yet common phrase imbedded in our daily lexicon: douchiness.
Remember this is a staff’s opinion and we’re just having a little fun at the expense of these guys. Agree? Disagree? Email sports@insidevandy.com.
1. Lane Kiffin (Tennessee) 
Kiffin tops the douchiest coaching list by a landslide. First off, he coaches Tennessee, which inherently makes him a douche. Second, he comes in and accuses other coaches of cheating, when they weren’t, then gets caught with his own recruiting violations. Third, he arrogantly proclaims Florida fans will be drowning in a rendition of Rocky Top after they beat the Gators (which didn’t happen, and thankfully Gator fans didn’t have to be exposed to that). Oh, and even after we put Kiffin on the top of our list, three of his highly touted recruits were arrested for attempted armed robbery this past week. Sheesh.
2. Urban Meyer (Florida) 
Meyer comes in second with his penchant for criticizing refs and having a big mouth that never seems to shut. He also gets big douche points for his “suspension” of notorious eye gouger Brandon Spikes for one half against Vanderbilt, and his habit of running up the score, showing his win-at-all-costs mentality.
3. Bobby Petrino (Arkansas)
It’s always a classy move to leave the football team (Atlanta Falcons) that gave you a $24 million contract in the middle of the season and by leaving a note in the locker room. I guess he didn’t have time to speak to the players before catching his flight to Arkansas where his emphatic Hog chant a mere two days after leaving the Falcons was the climax of his douchiness.
4. Nick Saban (Alabama) 
Nick Saban, like Petrino, has a knack for leaving places in the most douchey manner possible. It was most evident when he was at Michigan State, where he resigned before his team’s bowl game, and with the Miami Dolphins where his proclamation of “I won’t be Alabama football coach” rang hollow, as ten days later he held a press conference announcing his hiring at Alabama.
5. Steve Spurrier (South Carolina) 
As arrogant as they come, nobody likes the Ole Ball Coach too much, especially Washington Redskins fans whose team he could not handle. Before Vanderbilt beat him twice in a row, Spurrier made it clear he thought very little of the program in Nashville.
6. Houston Nutt (Ole Miss)
Nutt resigned from Arkansas amidst a series of controversies and allegations that plagued him in his final season with the Hogs in 2007. To add fuel to the fire, Nutt went to coach at Ole Miss one of Arkansas’ biggest rivals, cementing his place in the minds of Hog fans.
7. Les Miles (LSU) 
Les Miles isn’t really douche; he’s more of an idiot, as evidenced by his strange decision-making and press conferences. He gets credit for sticking with LSU though and not bolting for his alma mater Michigan, which some of the above coaches would have likely done in a heartbeat.
8. Gene Chizik (Auburn)
Nobody really knows anything about Chizik. He came out of nowhere to land an Auburn job he didn’t deserve which makes him kind of a d-bag, but that wasn’t really his fault, we suppose. At least he didn’t try implementing the spread.
9. Mark Richt (Georgia)
Richt is renowned for his humanitarianism. He adopted two children from the Ukraine, including one with proteous syndrome, a disease that can cause tumors to develop all over the body. However, Richt’s actions against our beloved Commodores (calling a play with one second left in the game up 34-10) were utterly uncalled for, and prevent him from being lower on the list.
10. Dan Mullen (Mississippi State) 
Apparently Mullen only inherited Urban Meyer’s offense from his time at Florida and not his douchiness. Mullen has done a solid job at State and has done it in a way that allows his team to do the talking, not his mouth, earning him high points especially considering he coached under Meyer, No. 2 on this list.
11. Rich Brooks (Kentucky)
Brooks is kind of like your lovable old grandfather. He’s a big, old gray man standing on the sidelines who you can’t help but like. He never says much despite the fact that he has quietly led Kentucky to three straight winning seasons. Also when you compare him to Kentucky’s basketball coaches (Billy Gillipsie of the 4 DUI variety and John Calipari of the cheating variety), he looks like a saint.
12. Bobby Johnson (Vanderbilt) 
Johnson is the classiest coach in the SEC. He has stayed loyal to Vanderbilt, has embraced the university’s academic standards and never used them as a crutch. He is probably the most well respected coach by other SEC coaches for his classiness and coaching ability. While maligned by some for it, he also gets some credit for his boundless loyalty to the rest of his staff.
