
America was built on the backs of immigrants, and we continue to have one of the most welcoming immigration systems in the world. So long as America stands as a shining beacon of economic opportunity, immigrants will continue to come to our shores, legally or illegally. We could do more to make them feel welcome, and if I were a nicer person, I would give out hugs and volunteer as an ESL teacher, but that is not really where my strengths lie. Instead, I intend to rip open a few new holes in xenophobes’ anti-immigration arguments wider than the Texas border.
Far from being one homogenous group, xenophobes come in all shapes and sizes. Some feel immigration threatens America’s “cultural unity,” as if previous waves of immigrants got off the boat speaking fluent English. Others resent immigrants for the jobs they “take” and the wealth they “leach” back home. Illegals only “take” these jobs because their status makes them eligible to work below minimum wage, a price at which most Americans cannot compete. Legalize them and this wage differential will disappear. The remittances immigrants send to their families back at home is not “lost wealth,” but helps to develop their countries’ economies, resulting in new markets to which we can export — and giving their citizens less incentive to come here!
Others point to elevated crime rates in areas where many immigrants live. But what about homegrown gangs, and what about the Italian mafia? Ah, but these groups contribute to America’s cultural unity! “Gangsta” Rap, “The Godfather,” “Scarface”... oh, wait. Al Pacino was Cuban in that movie, wasn’t he? Never mind.
Xenophobes are not totally divorced from reality. Sensing that a Hitler-style roundup of 12 to 20 million people is logistically unfeasible, xenophobes have devised a number of common-sense proposals for “the problem” to magically fix itself, free-market style, like enforcing the law. Lock up a few, and the rest will return on their own. Just one snag — this modest proposal is also mathematically absurd. According to the Bureau of Justice, in 2008 there were over 2.3 million prisoners serving sentences in America’s notoriously overcrowded prisons. So just how many more are they proposing to add? Even a modest 10 percent of the estimated illegals amounts to an additional 1.2-2 million. Then the other 90 percent of illegals, rather than fleeing for home, could stay without worry, since our prisons would be stuffed up to the roof and down to the sewers. Think “The Shawshank Redemption,” only grosser.
Another proposal of theirs is to prosecute employers of illegal immigrants. So after that evil, job-creating employer is put away, what do you suspect these newly unemployed illegals will do to feed themselves? If you answered “pillage and plunder,” move to the front of the class.
And don’t even get me started on the Berlin Wall ... erm, I mean, “border fence.”
“So, what would you do, wise guy?” First, we should stop being so modest and admit that we have a totally awesome country that folks all around the world really want to live in. Then we should extend a path to U.S. citizenship for all illegals (barring criminals) residing in America. If that amounts to “amnesty,” then call me the biggest bleeding heart, Ronald Reagan liberal in the country.
—Jesse Jones is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Science. He can be reached at jesse.g.jones@vanderbilt.edu.



