Rule 1: Prepare yourself. A lot.
If the idea of a public display of debauchery doesn’t excite you, keep preparing until it does.
Rule 2: Roll deep like the president.
Female Revue attendance should never be a solo occasion unless your wife just cheated on you with a used car salesman. Considering we are free from that sort of tragic circumstance, you must make your visit with at least three but preferably five or more of your best Bros to ensure a stay that is free from conflict or judgment. You will ensure, however, that your group of Bros does not exceed ten, because then it seems as if you gentlemen are on a field trip.
Exception to Rule 2, Part 2:
Bringing women is always encouraged. As many women as possible in addition to the original four to ten Bros is acceptable. Women may say they don’t enjoy strip clubs, but this is false. Non-professional women at strip clubs get more attention and have more fun than anyone else in attendance, and they often don’t even have to pay a cover.
Rule 3: Act like you have been there before
These places are like dogs — they can smell any sort of apprehension. If you walk into a club with the slightest hint of nerves, the lovely dancers and bartenders will take you off of their radar, while the security staff and traditionally upstanding members of the community that attend these clubs will have their eyes glued to you. With confidence, you have won the battle before it has even begun.
Rule 4: Legal tender for all debts public and private
This is not Chili’s. These girls don’t take your Vandy card. Hit a bank earlier in the afternoon to get lots and lots of Washington’s.
Rule 5: Location, location, location
Choose the seating of your entourage wisely. Anything within five yards of the stage is too close, but anything outside of ten yards is too far. This optimal distance allows frequent interaction with wandering talent while avoiding the unduly expensive harassment of onstage performers. Sitting in concentric circles is essential so as to provide space for professional visitors and equal affection for all of your Bros.
Rule 6: Don’t handle the merchandise
Unless you want a painfully early exit, don’t initiate any contact.
Rule 7: Use your Inside Voice
This isn’t Knoxville, and you’re a gentleman. Rest assured that if you want to talk to your favorite talent, she’ll make her way over to your bro-ntourage before the night is complete, so no yelling.
Rule 8: Cordial is cool
You are dealing with professionals, and treating these women with respect and humor is always rewarded down the line. Being respectful to security helps, too, believe it or not, even when they charge you your inheritance for a cover.
Rule 9: Leave no Bro behind, and save ten dollars for a cab
Rule 10: Don’t fall in love
