I was sitting on my porch yesterday afternoon with some friends of mine when something happened that made me pause and re-examine my life. We were discussing the Playboy issue that has completely besmirched the reputation of our fine campus when my buddy asked what I was going to write about for Friday’s issue.
Normally, my writing process consists of me taking my shirt off, pounding as many beers as I can in a 30 minute span and then spinning around in circles until I either throw up or an idea comes to me. But recently, for those who have not read my last article, I had decided to change my ways and live as a functioning member of society. So instead of drinking myself to an idea, I pulled up to my desk, opened up a blank document and began to think. And think. And think. It was exhausting, but after about 15 seconds I had arrived at a decision.
Six beers and one horrible case of the spins later, I found myself again seated at my desk. And whaddya know, the ideas came pouring in. See, I realized that if I decided to clean up and join the Boy Scouts, I would have absolutely nothing to write about. And if my life’s not worth writing about, what’s the point? So after one of the shortest rehab stints in history, I’m back. Let’s start the show.
I’m pretty sure every one of us has been in this situation before: You’re at a party with your friends, everything’s cool, but as you walk around you notice someone you don’t know. They’re standing in a corner or off to the side, and they’re alone. You ask around, and no one else seems to know who he is either. You keep walking around, and see him or her five minutes later, standing against a wall, still just looking around and not talking to anyone. My friend, you have just found the sketchy guy at the party.
When encountered in the wild, the sketchy guy at the party is normally found by a wall or in a corner and is likely to be staring at his shoes. This timid creature never smiles, and if it does pry its eyes away from the floor, it is only to make awkwardly prolonged eye contact with you. The only time he speaks is to ask for beer, and he never says thanks. Or maybe he does, but I’m not fluent in mumble.
The most dangerous aspect of the sketchy guy (or girl) is that the vast majority of them have no idea they are sketchy. Being the humanitarian that I am, I have devised a simple test to help you identify if you are at risk of becoming that guy.
1. Do you spend a large amount of time in the comfort of a dimly lit alley?
2. Do you feel compelled to thoroughly examine the carpet of someone else’s house during social gatherings?
3. Have you ever gone up behind a girl and tried to start dancing with her without ever having spoken to her?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be at a severe risk. But don’t fear; thankfully, there is a solution.
This first step to curing this affliction is simple: smile. If you just look like you’re enjoying yourself, people will stop thinking, “That man looks like he’s about to kill himself” and start thinking, “He seems to be enjoying himself.” One cautionary note: Combining smiling to yourself and looking down at the floor is not recommended, as people will probably go from thinking, “He seems to be enjoying himself” to “That man looks like he’s about to kill someone else.”
Go up and talk to someone. It’s as easy as walking up, introducing yourself and asking stupid questions like “So do any of you live here?” or “What’s the weather like outside?” You don’t have to be Van Wilder, just get off the wall and start engaging.
Lastly, don’t go up and start grinding on a girl you don’t know. The “I’m totally gonna dance with this chick and she’ll hook up with me” logic is not really sound. Whenever a guy I don’t know starts grinding on me, I get creeped out. I would assume girls feel the same way.
This affliction needs to be taken seriously, and identifying that you have it is half the battle. So the next time you feel the need to retreat into a dark corner of the party and brood about how everyone else sucks, stop, think and throw yourself out there. Who knows, you might actually meet someone you like.
Andrew Solomon is a senior in the School of Engineering.
