I’ve been getting quite a large number of complaints recently relating to the subject matter of my articles. Apparently there are bigger, more important things happening on this campus than me blacking out and waking up on a bed of tulips (RIDICULOUS).
So in an effort to peer through the tequila and write about some hard-hitting issues for one, I give you the Top Ten Most Important Issues at Vanderbilt.

At first I tried asking people here on campus what they feel are the relevant issues. But after about 10 minutes of that, I realized I didn’t care and made up my own anyway. So without further ado, the list:

10. (The Ex-) Constance Gee’s Phone Number: Everyone is so up in arms about her use of illicit drugs within the sacred confines of the Gee mansion. But all I really want is the hook up. Plus, she's back on the market.
9. Rain Boots: The last time someone wore a knee-high pair of boots with ribbons on them, I didn’t get slapped when I asked for a lap dance.
8. UGG Boots: The last time someone wore a pair of knee-high UGG boots in 70-degree weather, I didn’t get slapped when I asked for an autographed copy of “Backdoor Whores 7.”
7. Drugs: This campus blows through more coke than a heroin-chic D&G model. The only thing preventing it from becoming a full-blown epidemic is that it apparently can mess up nose jobs.
6. The Housing Situation: You can tell this is important because there have been roughly 30 articles on the topic so far this year. And none of them have made a difference. But I sympathize with the university: It’s tough to design dorms with enough room to hold all those 42-inch plasmas.
5. Rites of Spring: No O.A.R?! No DMB?! No Hootie?! Now what excuse am I going to use to play Crash for every girl that walks by my dorm room? It’s the only song I know!
4. The Topsider-Croakie Combo: Let’s try a little experiment. Stand up if you are currently wearing Sperrys and Croakies. Remain standing if you own a boat. Remain standing if you are currently on that boat. That’s what I thought.
3. Who Are You Going to Take to Formal?: It’s that magical time of year again. Spring is in the air, flowers are in bloom, and fraternity guys get romantic and ask themselves, “Who is most likely to sleep with me in a motel room?” Don’t worry; judging by the Playboy turnout you should have lots of options.
2. My Personal Struggle with Binge Drinking: I think I’m going to go make myself a gin and tonic.
1. Your Personal Struggle with Binge Drinking: Should I make it two?

There you have it. I can’t wait for the next time someone complains about my subject matter.

Hater: “You never write about anything important.”
Me (pointing to article): “Wow! You’re dumber than the cast of Laguna Beach!”

I can’t wait for these e-mails.

Andrew Solomon is a senior in the School of Engineering.