I hate first dates. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that I hate dates period. You get dressed up, go to a restaurant you can’t afford, order wine she can’t pronounce and waste several hours until you drop her off at her place because she doesn’t “do that” on the first date. Then I have to go home and turn off the hidden camera. Life sucks.

Unfortunately for me, in some situations dates are unavoidable: You really like her, you’re married, etc. This summer, I dated the strangest and most dysfunctional group of women I’ve ever encountered. Wondering what crazy, unhinged bag of issues I’d bring by the apartment next became a running joke among my friends.

As I should have foreseen, the dates with these girls were quite the circus. On these little outings, I heard some of the craziest things I’d ever heard on first dates, bar none. Although I’m not going to share them all with you, the experience inspired me to create what I call “A Woman’s Guide to What Not to Say on the First Date.” It’s my personal list of what a guy absolutely doesn’t want to hear when first getting to know a lady. After polling a group of experts (my drunk friends) on the subject, the following all-stars made the list:

1. “Are you married?”

I don’t know what’s more disturbing about this: the fact you think I’m married or the fact you’d go out on a date with someone you think is. Chances are she’s dated a married man before and is understandably paranoid about it happening to her again.

2. “How many people have you slept with?”

It is equally stupid for a guy to ask a girl this question. First, you’re never going to get an honest answer. Second, you really don’t want to know the truth to begin with. Save your breath and just imagine it’s whatever number would make you happiest.

3. “What are you thinking about?”

I’m thinking about how much more of this I have to endure before we hook up. Seriously girls, you really want to know what we’re thinking about? Nothing. For the most part, men are simple creatures. In social situations, the majority of us are thinking about nothing else other than what is happening right at that moment. We’re not scheming. We’re not masking our true feelings with the facade of geniality. If I’m on a date with an attractive girl, the only two things in the back of my mind are how smoking hot she is and how delicious my steak is going to be. That’s it.

4. “My ex-boyfriend and I used to (insert anything here … at this point, I’m not listening anyway).”

I know you may just be out of a long-term relationship. I know you probably really loved each other. I get that you’re still broken up about it. I also don’t care. I’m not trying to be mean — all I’m saying is the last thing a guy wants to hear about on a date is who was there before he was. I would personally rather get to know you and possibly consider dating you without hearing about how someone else screwed it up. Plus, I’m much better than your last boyfriend.

5. “My boyfriend and I like to (insert anything. You’re a tramp).”

At this point, things just got interesting.

6. “So what’s (insert best friend’s name here) up to tonight?”

Ouch. Good effort though.

7. “I have to get back home to feed my Yorkie. Don’t worry; I’ll get someone to come pick me up.”

Good thing I decided to spend $150 on that bottle of Bordeaux. Now while you’re feeding your dog, I can go home and balance my checkbook.

8. “Where do you see this going?”

Other than back to my place at the end of the night, I honestly can’t say I’ve thought much past that. I’ve gotten this on a first date before, and I honestly didn’t know how to respond. Any girl who wants to know where the relationship is going after knowing you for several hours needs a clinic or at the very least some help. Get out before she starts asking how much you plan to spend on an engagement ring.

9. “I love you.”

Thank you?

10. “So after my second stint in rehab…”

Check please.

—Andrew Solomon is a senior in the School of Engineering