Q: I’ve been attracted to a certain guy for a while, and he’s finally starting to pursue me. The only problem is that he had a “thing” with one of my friends. It’s been a while, but I’m still not sure if it’s OK. What are the rules for hooking up with a friend’s ex?
A: Straight up, regardless of how much time has passed, nobody likes to see “the ex” date someone new, so you have to remember you are walking on semi-dangerous ground.
Basically, the answer to your question depends on two things: first, the strength of your friendship with the girl or guy, and second, the importance of their past relationship from your friend’s perspective — just because you always knew they were wrong for each other does not mean that your friend feels the same way.
There are a few scenarios where hooking up with a friend’s ex is going to get you into big trouble. If he or she is one of your close friends, pursuing this new guy is probably off-limits. Even if they didn’t actually date and only hooked up two or three times, your friend might still have some attachment. If you go for it, you’re probably going to get yourself into a mess and maybe even lose a friend.
On the other hand, if the person is a friend, but not a good friend, the situation is a little different. If it’s a guy that your distant friend dated or hooked up with casually, there are no set boundaries. However, if it’s an ex from a long-term relationship, you need to get over your attraction and find someone else to crush.
If someone is pursuing you, it is difficult to turn around and walk the other way, especially if there is any sort of attraction. When you’re out at a party, caught up in the moment, it might seem fun to hook up, or even just flirt, with a friend’s ex. However, in the long run, if you care about the friend more than the hookup, you might want to find a new guy.
Be honest with yourself about what you’d want your friend to do if she or he was in your shoes, contemplating hooking up with one of your exes. Come on. It’s not like you’re the last two people on earth.
It’s important to mention that there are certain situations where exes have a mature relationship, have both moved on and are actually friends. In my experience, this is really rare, but it happens. It’s never a good idea to go for someone that your friend loved or even liked a lot. But if your friend is legitimately over it, it might be OK.
If, for some reason, you decide to pursue things with this guy, be open with your friend about the situation. Even if your friend isn’t thrilled, it’s better to be upfront and honest than to have someone find out that your relationship status is no longer single, courtesy of the Facebook News Feed.
Got questions? E-mail Katie at straightup4vu@gmail.com.
