I know it may come as a shock to some of you, but I like to consider myself a fairly tolerant person. I love animals. I'm polite (when sober). I fully support women's suffrage. But one thing I cannot stand is people who complain constantly.

I swear, I can't walk to class and back without someone griping to me about how tough and miserable their life is.

"I have so much work. My girlfriend was sleeping with her T.A. Daddy beat me." Seriously, I sometimes put disconnected headphones on just so people won't have an opportunity to bitch to me.

But there's one complaint I get more than anything: Girls always want to know why they can't find a boyfriend at Vandy.

Now before I continue, a disclaimer: I'm not sexist. I love women. A few of them are even crazy enough to hook up with me. I just think this issue needs to be addressed once and for all so people stop talking to me about it.

I know. It's hard being single in college. After you get through the hundreds of friends you've made, a family who loved you enough to send you to college and the thousands of opportunities you have each day to meet someone new, it can be pretty lonely. Seriously girls, I know. If you want, you can come over to my place later, and we can talk about it.

Unfortunately, at the end of the day it's true. Statistically very few people are in committed relationships with another student here at Vandy. Most people are single, and a significant portion of people in relationships date someone outside the school. What's the problem?

Well, from what I can gather from the bits of conversation I actually paid attention to, the girls blame us. Apparently men at Vanderbilt are immature, irresponsible and not interested in commitment. Those are big words, and a guy like me finds it tough to avoid behavior he can barely spell. But most of the guys here at Vandy seem normal to me and should have no trouble finding someone to date if they wanted. So if the guys aren't the problem, we're going to need to find another sex to blame this on ...

Gentle readers, if you want to date someone, you have to be dateable. Using a scientific process I like to refer to as "drinking until the phone calls go away," I have come up with a list of things girls can do to become more dateable to guys on this campus. It's not that good guys aren't out there; we just don't want to date you. Yet.

First off, stop playing games. I know "guys do it too," but we pale in comparison to what you try to pull off. Don't ignore his phone calls purposely. Don't act aloof when he's around your friends. Playing games is one of the quickest ways short of sleeping with the best friend to get thrown into the "manipulative bitch" category. Being honest and genuine is one of the most underrated and attractive qualities for a girl to have. Grow up and be okay with genuinely being interested in someone.

Second, drop the act. I can only speak for myself when writing, but one of the things I can't stand is when girls act dumber than they really are. You were smart enough to get in here, so I know you've got it in you. A large majority of the girls I get to know end up being much smarter than I originally thought when first meeting them. It's awesome to discover, but I wish more of you would show it to me when we meet. Intelligence is sexy; don't cover it up.

Last, be OK being single. Despite the fact your biological clock is coercing you to marry the first handsome millionaire you meet before you turn 24, know confidence is as attractive in a female as it is in a male. The fact you're fine on your own tells us you've got it together, and you won't go Britney Spears on us when we break up with you. We like our cars just the way they are, thanks.