So you just accepted your bid. Congratulations. With your acceptance, you are now privileged to experience everything that makes Greek Life so great: friendship, acceptance, parties, binge drinking, drug use, eating disorders, the walk of shame, the ugly friend, her hot friend, the elephant walk, shameless superficiality, last night’s bad decision and that warm feeling of home. With so much to look forward to, I figured I’d give some advice to young Greeks on what they can do to make the most out of their experience.
Speaking with absolutely no authority and a tenuous grasp of the subject at hand, I give you the 10 Things Every New Member Should Know.

1. The first one is obvious: Drink heavily. The best way to make up for your awkward social skills is to drink until you become too loud and boisterous to ignore. Getting housed is a great excuse to start aggressively grinding on the closest warm body, plus it totally explains why you slept with the line backing core last night.

2. Sleep around. The best way to tell if someone is interested with you is to see whether or not they will have sex with you. If they do, great! You’re validated! If not, then you better start hitting the gym a little harder.

3. Skip class as often as you can. You can learn more watching the Discovery Channel for 50 minutes than you can by going to your physics class.

4. Begin a recreational drug habit. Nothing serious; no needles or pills, those are so lower-middle class. With a healthy coke habit, not only will everyone believe your story about you and the Olsen twins blowing rails as fat as your pinky, you’ll eventually look like them too.

5. Learn to lie to your friends on a consistent basis. Practice the following lines in front of a mirror:
• I really like that dress on you.
• Dude, I would never sleep with your girlfriend.
• I never hooked up with Andrew Solomon.

6. Transfer to Peabody.

7. Switch from gum to breath mints. Nothing covers up the smell of throwing your lunch back up quite like Altoids.

8. Learn to cheat like a pro. Let’s be honest, half the class would have failed Gen Chem if they didn’t cheat their way through it. Now that you have an organized body to cheat with, practice your cross-class signaling and your liberal interpretation of the term “cooperation.”

9. Never ever get caught spending time with people in a house that’s “below” you. If, God forbid, you get caught in such a situation, either play the drunk card or quickly tell them you were just “stopping by.”

10. You don’t have to act like you’re a virgin anymore.