Ever since I started writing again, I’ve hit a dry spell. That’s right, I said it. Girls see me on campus and dive behind bushes as I pass. Ex-hook ups cry uncontrollably at the sight of me. I’m used to getting slapped the morning after; now I can’t even get in a “Nice shoes, wanna screw?” before the girls around here haul off and wail on me. Apparently the phrase “Never in a million years” is not as open to discussion as I once thought.

Until a couple days ago, I was totally confused as to why this was happening. Then a friend of mine let me in on a little secret that everyone else knew but me: “Everybody hates you.” I still couldn’t really see what he was getting at, so I asked him to elaborate. Apparently my recent string of articles has managed to transform me into the most reviled, misogynistic, self-centered asshole on campus. While I’d like to thank the Academy for such a distinction, not even my mother will return my phone calls anymore. This has to stop.

So in an effort to convince everyone out there that I’m not the least bit sexist (and hopefully get some play out of it), I’ve decided to play one for the ladies and help you understand why guys do all the stupid crap we do. After polling the two girls who still talk to me, I’ve come up with a guide of sorts to help you understand even the most juvenile of male behavior.

The Offense: We always forget things: your birthday, your name and your best friend’s twin sister’s great aunt’s anniversary.
The Explanation: These things have nothing to do with us getting drunk or you performing sexual favors. Actually, according to recent gender specific neurological research, women are wired to remember details that men would normally forget. Formation of new memories appears to depend on the hippocampus and medial temporal lobe in the brain, and men apparently forgot to stand in that line when they were passing out body parts. But I think the real reason is that men believe we don’t need special dates or events to enjoy being with you; we love you just the same, no matter what day it is.

The Offense: We don’t get along with your friends.
The Explanation: We know she’s your BFF and you’ve never missed a Wednesday afternoon Starbucks date since freshman year, but sometimes we don’t get along. You’ve got to understand: when we first met you, she was the one making sure you went home at night so you wouldn’t make a “mistake.” As nice as it is to be called a mistake (trust me, I know), it’s not the way to get on our good side. We know she’s struggling because we’re taking up a good bit of the time she used to spend with you, but we really do want to like her. Just give it some time, and we’ll warm up, we promise. Or you could speed up the process and invite her to a little menage a trois.

The Offense: We get belligerently drunk and start yelling/try to hook up with your sorority sister/punch holes through walls/insert moronic male behavior here.
The Explanation: As we plunge deeper and deeper into our drunken stupor, non-vital systems in our body begin to shut down. First go fine motor skills, then memory and common sense, and finally the ability to refuse overt sexual advances from overweight women with negotiable morals. It’s stupid, we know, and we honestly regret it every time we wake up the next morning with 15 angry text messages from you. There’s no legitimate excuse here, only a perpetual apology and guarantee that the next time we see you, we’ll do anything we can to make it up to you. The most beautiful thing we’ve seen all day is you smiling after we can laugh about what an idiot I am. You have no idea the power you hold when you have the ability to forgive.

Just as a little experiment, I’m going to run this topic in a Part I of II or maybe even III series, but I’d like your input. Please email me at ajsolomon@gmail.com or post a response on InsideVandy, and tell me what male behavior confuses you the most. If it’s good, I’ll use it in next week’s article.