In a continuation of last week’s topic, I’m going to be exploring all the stupid things men do and try to explain them as explicitly as possible. Thanks to everyone who sent me feedback; you guys are awesome. And now, on with the show.

The Offense: You try to be the respectable girl he can take home to Mom. He responds by not returning your phone calls and sleeping with your roommate.
The Explanation: There are a couple of different explanations for this behavior. I’ll start with the least plausible and move down the list to the more than likely.
1. He genuinely thinks you’re no longer interested. If you haven’t even let him see the inside of your dorm room a month after your first date, then he honest to God might just think you’re not really into him.
2. To him, it’s just not worth it. It’s not that we don’t like you; it’s just we’re starting to feel a little bit used after the fifth dinner date without any play. The last girl we dated slept with us after our first date at Denny’s, so you’ve got some ground to make up.
3. We don’t want to take you home to Mom.

The Offense: He lies about where he is.
The Reason: We don’t want you to know where we are. He’s probably out buying your surprise birthday present. Or planning your surprise anniversary dinner. Or shooting black tar heroin with a transvestite hooker in a cheap motel room while cheating on his taxes. But it’s probably one of the first two.

The Offense: He still checks out other girls, even when you’re around.
The Reason: It’s not really something we can control. It’s like watching a car wreck. We know we should look away, but we just can’t seem to pry our eyes from the action. But as a compromise, we are totally OK with you checking out other girls when we’re around.

The Offense: He has “guy’s night” four times a week.
The Reason: He’s cheating on you. Seriously though, “guy’s night” is one of the few times during the course of the relationship where we can really reconnect with the friends who no longer see us more than once a week. You’re welcome to come; we’re just not sure if you’d enjoy discussing the finer points of Brian Brohm’s rising draft stock over Funyuns and Old Milwaukee.

The Offense: You’ve been hooking up for months, but he still won’t get into a relationship.
The Reason: Chances are, you’re not the only one. I agree, it’s a crappy thing for him to do. He’s just afraid if you found out, he’d lose you. Any maybe he will. The solution: Be honest with him, and encourage him to do the same. I’ve said it before, but the only way to solve these situations is to allow yourselves to be truthful with one another and discuss what you really want out of the relationship.

The Offense: He won’t stop writing embarrassingly ignorant, self-serving, misogynistic newspaper articles.
The Reason: You read it, didn’t you?