It’s everyone’s favorite time of year once again: Valentine’s season. No other holiday can spark romance quite like Valentine’s Day can. And no other holiday can end romance quite like Valentine’s Day if you forget to buy your girlfriend a gift.
No one is really sure how Valentine’s Day started, but most experts believe it began with collusion between corporate candy conglomerates and women everywhere. In a twisted scheme to turn a profit and create another opportunity for men to buy them crap, the two parties united to create what we know today as Valentine’s Day.
I have to admit it ladies, you pulled a good one on us. But instead of sitting here all day bitching about it, I figured I’d help out and offer a small gift of my own: The Andrew Solomon Valentine’s Day Gift Guide. It’s a comprehensive list of the perfect gifts guaranteed to get you either laid or sent home because you were stupid enough to listen to me.
For those of you in relatively young relationships (less than a month) the waters can be tricky to navigate. You want to give something that says, “I care,” but you don’t want her to start picking out curtains. My suggestion: Stick with something fun. Perhaps a hula-hoop. Moon Shoes are a blast. Or you could just get down to brass tacks and buy her a book on Kama Sutra. It’s fun, inexpensive and everybody wins! Plus it’s a great way to subtly imply that he/she needs to step up his/her game in the sack.
But what about if things are a little more mature? So you’ve been dating for less than six months; you’re happy, but you’re still not ready to go furniture shopping together. In these cases I believe a more personal touch is in order. Really think about something that you’re both mutually interested in and use that to your advantage. Does she love to cook? Then have her cook you dinner. Does he like to work out? Then have him carry you around all day. Is she a furry? Bittner’s is having a sale on Easter Bunny costumes! You see, it’s all about putting that personal touch on the gift so you both can enjoy your special day together.
Once you get past six months, things get a little more intense. She’s probably seriously considered the thought of being with you forever. He probably wakes up at night in a cold sweat thinking about the same thing. So what are you going to do? There’s the jewelry option, but I’ve always felt diamonds should be saved for a more legitimate holiday, like Independence Day or Chinese New Year.
Instead, really impress her with something you both can cherish, like a red pickup with a heart–shaped hot tub in the bed. Think about it. No matter where you are, you can have a romantic evening under the stars, letting the warm waters heat up the night in the back of your F-250. For bonus points, install a champagne chiller in the back for those special occasions. “Hey honey, want to watch ‘The Notebook’ under the stars in the hot tub with a bottle of champagne while I give you a massage?” Money in the bank.
