As I strolled into the theater, I was a bit skeptical as to what I was about to see. This movie looked like a big chick flick a la the deception and intrigue only the British royal family can deliver. But as I turned to the poster on my walk into the theatre, I remembered why I was OK with seeing “The Other Boleyn Girl” — Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman in steamy bedroom scenes for a couple hours. Oh yeah, now I feel better.
The sort-of, almost plot revolves around the times and trials of the Boleyn sisters, Anne (Portman) and Mary (Johansson). Henry VIII (played by Eric Bana) is having a bit of trouble producing a male heir to the throne with his wife, Katherine of Aragon (Ana Torrent). Where to turn? Oh yeah, the obvious choice — a mistress. Not only is this suggested to Henry on the sly, but the members of the court downright set him up with the Boleyns. Yeah, a real step forward for women’s rights. Once Henry visits the Boleyn girls out in the country, the games begin as both Mary and Anne vie for his affection and favor. This all leads to broken hearts, intrigue and even the offhanded decision of Henry’s to break away from the Catholic Church just to get Anne Boleyn to “give it up.” Yeah, Henry made some poor decisions back then, but at least it doesn’t all end badly. Oh wait, yeah it does.
Where to begin on how terrible this movie is? It’s like reading a history book while a monkey beats you with a wooden ladle but with more pauses and ridiculous atmospheric touches. Honestly, the film feels like it’s dragging from the very beginning. There are a lot of pauses and “nuance” with characters simply looking at each other and “making eyes” with longing. Seriously, the quiet time isn’t even poignant or meaningful like in most movies — it’s just empty time to bring the ultimate running time of the movie up to about two hours (even though it feels like eight). Now, I’m sure the story is fascinating for those who have no idea how the Church of England was formed. But for all the eighth graders who haven’t read a history book, that part of the story is simply a footnote in development of a boring plot around some amazing historical events. I can’t even put the blame solidly on one or all of the actors, they all did a fine job in their respective roles: Bana as a jacked and disturbed Henry, Johansson as the shy and simple Mary and Portman as a shrewd and conspiring Anne Boleyn. The whole thing together is just a big old boring mess of a movie. Honestly, the aforementioned history book would be shorter and more interesting.
I should have known when a “title drop” occurred within the first 10 minutes of the movie, there was something wrong. The worst part — the film was definitely lacking steamy bedroom scenes with either of the starring knockouts. Take it from me, if deciding whether or not to go see “The Other Boleyn Girl,” choose the other movie.
(1.5 out of 4 stars)
