10. “I would like to take an opposing stance to Lil Jon’s argument, albeit well-pontificated, on the subject of his intelligence, ‘I am the wild and crazy and out-there guy who’s always screaming, but I’m intelligent, too.’ Look at him. Both pictures.”
9. “To all liberals who whine about Mike Warren’s conservative views: Consider the fact the other 98 percent of The Hustler is blatantly liberal. Even the damn crossword puzzles have a liberal bias. If you are so upset with one conservative viewpoint every now and then, I suggest you quietly skip over the lone section of The Hustler that isn’t left-winged and get your anti-GOP fix elsewhere.”
8. “Whatever jerks live in Tower 1, suite ####, are the most selfish, antisocial idiots at Vanderbilt. Apart from playing emo music to drown their fears of eternal virginity, they also disregard accepted social mores of turning off their music at a decent hour. If anyone knows the people who live in this suite, please tell these self-absorbed twerps that they are some of the rudest, if not most pugnacious, imbeciles on this planet. And de-friend them.”
7. “Who’s the genius who came up with the idea to ‘White Out’ Tennessee? Congratulations, morons. Memorial Gym will now be officially full of UT white and orange. While we’re at it, why don’t we cheer every time the Vols score? Besides, it’s a lot cooler to black out anyway.”
6. “‘Like ... You know, like _________’ is NOT a viable transition sentence. Please start over, and this time maybe you can try playing the role of someone who is getting something out of their education.”
5. “To fellow ranter and the owner of my newly-acquired LCR monogrammed towels: Thank you for so thoughtfully putting your towels in with my laundry. You must have been kind enough to realize that my initials are also LCR, and I would be pleasantly surprised to find a set of monogrammed towels with my initials on it in the dryer with my whites. I will let you know next time I do my laundry so that maybe you can drop off a matching bathrobe as well.”
4. “OMG!!!!!!!!!! My little is soooooo cute and sweet and fun and nice and awesome and cool and fantastic and neat and adorable!!! I just want to hug her and squeeze her and buy her all sorts of ridiculous monochromatic crap that she will just give away again next year, and I’m never going to shut up about any of it ever again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *vomiting sounds*”
3. “Dear hippie in the baseball glove lounge who chastised me for not recycling: Unless your hooded sweatshirt is made of hemp and you only eat dolphin-safe tuna, I don’t need to hear you eerily whisper ‘recycle’ as I cold-heartedly throw my plastic bottle into the trashcan. I was in a hurry to throw a gallon of motor oil in the river, and it completely slipped my mind.”
2. “Whoever owns the white SUV with ‘Hoot! Hoot! Baby Hooties!’ and other Chi-O stuff written all over it, WASH YOUR CAR! Rush was over months ago. I don’t understand how this can remain on your vehicle for so long, you lazy sorostitute.”
1. “Dear undergraduates: Is it not enough that you have overrun our Refectory, you also need to take over the Divinity Library too? Please take yourself, your Blackberries and your leggings, and go somewhere else. Some of us need to use the specific resources in that library. You can study for organic chemistry elsewhere. WWJD? He’d rebuke your ass, that’s what.”
