Virgo 8/23-9/22: Check your mail this Wednesday. Trust me.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22: The power of positive thinking can’t make up for that terrible smell.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21: Wouldn’t it be awesome if your sign was just “Rufio?” Think about it.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21: Spend all day talking to hot chicks online.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19: Find a capri-CORNucopia of love today. See what I did there?

 

Aquarius 1/20-2/18: Don’t look to me for help, man. You already burned that bridge. This is what happens!

 

Pisces 2/19-3/20: Your roommate is STILL a trifling ho.

 

Aries 3/21-4/19: Start a dialogue with a stranger today. Or maybe a tri-alogue? Wait, can you have a poly-logue?

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20: We don’t have what you’re looking for here — turn to the Whoroscopes.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/21: Unless you want to feel bad about yourself, don’t go to the Rec. Ever.

 

Cancer 6/22-7/22: Do it.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22: Eat a balanced breakfast today. That’s not a horoscope — that’s just a good idea. Don’t forget, rich in grains!