With a 24-hour CNN rhetoric on why our economy is worse than Mark Wahlberg's last movie, I felt it was time to weigh in with my financial expertise. I dove into an extensive research process that began by looking at the headlines in the money section of USA Today and ended five minutes later by taking a nap. The conclusion I have come to, my fellow Americans, is that it is time to panic. And I'm not talking about your ordinary, run-of-the-mill “I forget to get Cab Cash” panic. Nor am I even referring to the academic, blown-out-of-proportion “This chemistry grade is going to reduce my future to blackmailing immigrants in California.”

From my understanding of the situation, this current economic crisis is far worse than the Great Depression, the Holocaust, Pompeii and the last issue of The Slant combined. This is the brand of panic where you can't just switch the channel to “Classless street hookers go to charm school but don't really become better people” and then feel better about life. This time of our lives calls for crippling, emotionally devastating panic that causes you to question your faith, buy bars of gold and contemplate suicide.

You may be getting worried, thinking, “Justin, I'm only a college student, I don't have enough money to take drastic measures.” Well, don't fret. There's plenty of ways for you to get in on the action. Referring to this election as the most important event in American history is a healthy first step. Right now the only hope we have is surrendering to total government control under Barack Obama. So how do we respond to this growing crisis?

With calm, wise, long-term perspective? By no means.

Now is the time to lose your mind and abandon any rational behavior. Obviously you don't want to go into the job market, try to buy a house or for that matter, go outdoors. Who knows what could happen? If you do decide to brave the outside world, you should probably do some looting. Day-time looting is typically not advisable, but with today's economy, anything goes. Your best bet here is to use a brick or a dense rock. Smashing windows on the second floor or above will make the process considerably more difficult.

But what about the small remnant of money I have right now? Besides obviously selling all your stocks and your collection of family photos, you should begin burning your money to insure against inflation. If possible, use your flaming currency to light other basic commodities, such as candles, a wood stove or your crack pipe. If you have devoted yourself to this course of preventative panic and followed all of these steps but find you still feel uneasy, then it's time to consider more serious measures. Pack up any of your non-charred khakis, sundresses or suit jackets and head over to Liberia. If the movie “Blood Diamond” has taught us anything, it's that Africa can easily be exploited for its natural resources by entrepreneurial Westerners. Why should you sit back while other people reap all the benefits?

Justin Poythress is a senior in the College of Arts and Science. He can be reached at j.poythress@vanderbilt.edu.