So, every girl at Vanderbilt laments this at some point, praying steadfastly that this is just a Vanderbilt thing and not a modern America thing, but it still remains true: Too many Vandy guys are girls. Y’all have shown potential and we love that you’re intelligent, but it’s time to man up.
Last year, my roommate, a few of our friends and I made a list of things real men do not do. It’s time to dust it off for 2009.
Let’s start slow: No salads and no diet soda. Again, you’re not a girl, stop eating like one. While eating, remember: You probably shouldn’t be able to identify and compliment a girl with, “Nice Vineyard Vines bag.” This has happened. I was there.
Real guys don’t wear loafers or driving shoes. For $15 more, you can get the whole shoe.
And while the occasional pink or yellow dress shirt draws the eye of a lady or two, we’re grading on a curve here, and when a dozen guys stroll in like a box of Easter marshmallow Peeps, it’s a lot of look.
Unless you’re in black tie attire, no scarves — and really, even then, only if you’re holding a cigar and some scotch and it’s cold enough to cut a hole in some ice and pull a fish out.
And for the love of God, desist with the wearing of pants with tiny, tiny embroidered lobsters and ducks on them. Those are for the adorable tiny, tiny children in the J. Crew catalogue — not any guy who has a driver’s license.
Do you have bangs? You probably shouldn’t. If you can swing or flip your hair around, it’s probably too long. Tip of the hat to those who forsake the razor on occasion; playoff beards and ironic mustaches will always be touchstones of the college experience, so long as you avoid the horrifying wispy Shia LaBeouf facial hair.
You should know more about sports than, well, me. And golf and tennis don’t count. I should not be explaining to you what a 3-4 defense is. Core knowledge of football (pro and college), NCAA basketball and Major League Baseball required; at least passing knowledge of the NBA and NHL. Don’t fake it either. If, like, the Brawny paper towel man quizzed you tomorrow, you should know who and what these are: the Willis Reed Game, Pedro Feliz, “We want the ball and we’re gonna score,” and who led the Atlanta Braves to glory in the 1990s.
Real guys hunt and fish. Over break, I went grouper and snapper fishing offshore in the Gulf with my cousins; they wore camouflage pants, bled the fish and talked Southeastern Conference football. I know that’s popping and locking somewhere at Vanderbilt, but many of the gentlemen of Vandy could use an infusion. You know, mix a little rap and country into that indie music, Buddy Holly glasses bubble.
By the way, fighting is hot. Don’t forget that.
And yes, I realize all this is all wildly bitchy. But as my brother told me earlier, sometime the truth has to be delivered. I’m just the mailman, delivering the mail.
Katherine Miller is a junior in the College of Arts and Science. She can be reached at katherine.m.miller@vanderbilt.edu. She blogs daily at Vandy Right.
Thank you.
Miss Miller,
How can I thank you enough?
I mean, what would we have done if not for your penetrating insights that corrected our apparently mistaken belief that having a Y chromosome and a penis was all it took to be what we thought we were?
I wonder how charitable you would be if a man suggested that your femininity was predicated on your ability to gracefully defer whatever education and dreams you have for your "truly female" role as a homebound domestic manager and child-bearer who knows how to whip up a mean rack of lamb when the hubby brings the boss home for dinner?
I really hope your article was some ham-handed attempt at cheeky satire.
Either way, it sucked.
Really?
I know this is a light hearted, albeit misplaced, submission. I can’t help but take issues with a number of the things you mention. First of all, it is not like it is a shock that Vanderbilt is a preppie school with preppie men. We all know preppie guys like lobster pants and pink shirts, and you chose to go to the Mecca of preppie. You did not choose to go to University of Montana or some other school where more men would likely conform to your outdated gender stereotypes. You made your bed when you chose your school. Second, it’s 2009. What was “manly” to your father’s generation may not be the same today. Modern manly men come in many shapes and sizes. The modern manly man in my life certainly knows his way around SEC football, but he also likes indie music, wears emo glasses and watches what he eats (the “manliness” of a hamburger fueled beer gut doesn’t especially appeal to me). At the end of the day, you may have to choose between a well educated guy with a good job and warm personality and a guy who can gut a fish and talk about sports after working on an oil rig. Just don’t be surprised when this “manly man” you craved expects you to conform to your own gender stereotypes (better be home with dinner ready in pearls and makeup with hair set up. And don’t forget to smile and keep your mouth shut).
It sounds to me that what you really want is a man who shares your interests. There is nothing ground breaking about this. If you like sports and fishing, then find a guy who shares those interests. That’s not a column that applies across the board, that’s your search for a man with whom you have something in common.
As a woman in 2009, I don’t see how you can take us back this far by expecting the educated and interesting men around you to conform to some archaic vision of what a man is. I’ll take my southern gentleman who happens to drink diet coke any day, so I prefer you don’t speak for womankind when you advise the men of the world.
And by the way, fighting is not hot. It’s gross.
At the heart of it...
If I may, I think that there might be an alternative interpretation to this article. While I must admit that, as a Vanderbilt graduate who looks back fondly on her years at the unique institution where fashion, tastes and expectations vary drastically from that of mainstream America, I had a bit of a chuckle when I read this. As the second comment mentions, Vanderbilt men are a rare breed indeed, don't represent the majority of American males, are fairly clear about who they are as individuals (or should I say brothers, groups, etc), and show little, if any, interest in changing. That's all good and well. You're right: we had a pretty good idea of what we were getting ourselves into when we showed up that damp and oppressive Freshmen move-in day, even more of an idea when we signed the Honor Code and couldn't be more certain by the first time we went to a frat party on greek row. Also, to be fair, Vanderbilt tends to represent a certain slice of female existence as well, with the fierce, Ugg-armed, tote supplied creature that is the "Vanderbilt Woman" rarely resembling any sample one could pull from a mall in middle America.
Ok, so we're an American cultural caveat. We've got a flavor, a rhythm all our own. While we represent thousands of shades, the majority of us tend to fall on a particular area of the spectrum. But honestly, can you name a Top 20 school where you couldn't say that? I'll forgo some of the humorous stereotypes we know well, but it seems that one of the reasons a community forms in the first place is because the members have rallied around something in particular. And when it's an educational community that you're referring to, where individuals are joining at a pivotal point in their personal/individual development, it seems fairly natural that outlying aspects of individuality (like taste in music, clothes and social scenes) would be readily sucked into the experience as well.
So, part of me is saying you're right, fellow commenters-- we knew what we were getting into , no one tangent defines the curve of masculinity and antiquated notions of "manliness" probably have no place in serious conversation. At the same time, I did come away from interactions with a lot of men on Vanderbilt's campus feeling a bit short-changed. When I look at my friends and fellow female students, as I alluded to earlier, I am witnessing some strikingly motivated, non-homogenous chicas. There are few locations/institutions/communities in America where the women are voted some of the most beautiful in the country, are members of a sorority, chair or hold leadership in 4+ extra-curricular clubs, never miss an episode of "The Hills", take philosophy classes to buffer their diversity for their med-school app and dance aaallll niiiiight loooong to raise money for the local Children's Hospital. When I look at the female population at Vanderbilt in fairly broad strokes, I'm really impressed with how many antiquated notions they've overcome. Even if they don't succeed, they at least shoot to be everything... to be Carrie/Charlotte/Miranda/Samantha wrapped into one, to balance the career and the Wedgewood china.
Clearly, especially from the outside, it's easy to peg our Vandy women with a metric f**k ton of stereotypes as well (Uggs are not meterologically sound when paired with a mini-skirt, walks of shame are always witnessed by someone especially that one time when you're accidentally wearing your recruitment shirt, dress sizes with two digits do not a cow make, etc). And I have no doubt that we could pull a "No Scrubs"/"No Pigeons" battle of the sexes and point out the flaws of everyone around us. I suppose, it just hit me that, at the end of the day, we should all make sure we represent a spectrum, that we're diversified and that we pull from the foundation of our past in order to be prepared for the ingenuity of our future. So, while some laughable debauchery will take place when Friday rolls around and Tory Burch and J. McLaughlin shorts will continue their benevolent reign, I know I cooked dinner last night, had a beer, watched SATC, and fell asleep reading TIME magazine. Chivalry isn't dead, and neither is a little female dignity-- be who you are and let that person be a multitude of things.