The new year has begun, and with it arrives a countless collection of resolutions that fizzle within the first month. I don't mean to be solely pessimistic and derogatory. There are plenty of people who made no resolutions at all. They either have tricked themselves into believing their lives are perfect and nothing could be going better or are lazy realists who understand change is just a buzzword thrown around to get people excited about politics.
Personally, I made a couple of resolutions. Why? Tradition mainly, but at least I'll make it to mid-February. I plan to give you some advice that will allow you to do the same, and the first lesson is low expectations are half the battle. In authentic journalistic spirit, I decided to Google the top 10 New Year's resolutions and want to offer some input on the highlights.
About half of all resolutions have something to do with losing weight or getting in shape. And why not? I recently read about 90 percent of all Americans are obese and unattractive, with the majority of this population centered in New Jersey. Yet all of the traditional ways to get fit involve ugly words like “dieting” and “exercise.” I myself invented the unique “gum and water diet,” which I plan on selling to Cosmopolitan. But why resort to this when you can simply wear lots of layers and limit your interactions to dimly lit areas? Better yet, with sorority selection and initiation happening, now is the perfect time to pick up an eating disorder or drug habit.
Another common resolution, represented by the number of Nicorette advertisements, is to quit smoking. This is not a bad idea: As far as cool trends go, smoking is being replaced by energy conservation. Just because you already don't smoke doesn't mean you can't make a difference. This year, you can vow to be extra annoying to people smoking around you. Wave your hand in front of your nose, wrinkle your face and make exaggerated coughing noises. If they still don't seem to get the hint, converse loudly with your friend about how smokers are ruining the world. If you have a humanitarian leaning, inform the person about the secret dangers of smoking, like cancer.
A number of people each year go out on a limb and promise to stretch themselves in the future by pledging to “have fun” and “enjoy life more.” These are the people you saw on New Year's Eve passed out in a pile of vomit and party hats. The true key to succeeding lies not in your determination but in carefully selected resolutions you know you can keep. For example, commit to putting on at least one different article of clothing each day. Promote world peace in the upcoming year by personally avoiding any international trade of illegal firearms. Or, if you're someone who is prone to distraction, dedicate yourself to one hour of uninterrupted television per day. Whatever you hope to achieve this year, remember that just writing the resolution down will make you feel more successful and make resolutions you know you can keep (I resolve not to pilot a helicopter in the Middle East).
Justin Poythress is a senior in Peabody College. He can be reached at j.poythress@vanderbilt.edu.
