Hold onto your highly-regimented gender role; that fuzzily sexist, heart-shaped holiday has arrived! Here's a manly men's how-to guide for Valentine's Day. If you're of the female variety, then this column is not for you. Scoot!

On Valentine's Day, every encounter with a girl is booby-trapped. (And not in the good way.) Single gals blame men at large for their suffering. Your girlfriend or current hook up buddy (which forms the delightful acronym, CHUB) reads into everything you do. Your grandmother wants to know why you're not at least engaged by now.  Tread carefully or you'll find yourself asking God for your damned rib
back.

Valentine's Day is all about manufactured, scheduled, universal romance, which means actually making it romantic is pretty difficult. You can try going over the top, but let's face it guys: we're not good at outdoing the bare minimum. And remember, a woman may swoon over romantic gestures in the movies, but without a soundtrack, professional writers and Hollywood looks, you'll probably just come off looking creepy or dangerous (And not in the good way).

Your only hope is to lower expectations. Don't try pulling out all your romantic antics at once. The reason why taking things slow with girls works is that it gives them time to realize how bad you really are and to adjust their expectations accordingly. For example, it is a fact that after three hours of foreplay, a woman will think the sex is great no matter what.

If you haven't already made dining arrangements, then you're screwed. (And not in the good way.) If you have, remember that it's your job to be the fatty. Girls don't like it when their appetites are bigger than guys'. They also don't like it when you tell them they should go on a diet — even if it's true.

If it hasn't come up in your relationship yet, it will: conversation. No, no conversation in particular, just conversation in general. You may even be asked to express — in full sentences — what it is you're thinking. This is a daunting task for most men, as we must frantically empty our heads of the few thoughts we do have and fill them with non-sexualized thoughts before we can respond. (I recommend practicing a few days ahead of time.) The exception is if your woman talks about her own problems: say absolutely nothing, indicate that you sympathize, memorize a handful of important and trivial details in case she later tests how well you listened, and encourage her to tell you more while you zone out.

After chowing down, watching a romantic movie is an appropriate excuse to turn off the lights and kill two hours of this difficult holiday. All chick flicks must have four things: an impending wedding, mediocre humor, a Stepford hunk, and a right-in-front-of-her-nose-the-whole-time moment. They also ignore the fact that the hard part isn't getting into a relationship but staying in it. Instead of “Made of Honor” (it's not my fault I saw it), try “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” “Meet Joe Black,” “Amelie,” or
“Before Sunrise.”

It's time to speak of gifts (not for CHUBs). There is nothing women don't make unnecessarily complicated, including gifts They love that you bought them chocolate. They love eating chocolate. They hate themselves for loving chocolate. They have more nuanced feelings toward a Cadbury bar than you have toward your own mother. Don't let
your undying devotion scam you into buying expensive jewelry. You probably wouldn't pick out the right thing, and she's planning on dumping you soon, anyway. And you'll look like a fool walking around campus with flowers. I like to give goldfish. It's a little something different that says, "I'm ready to take our relationship to the level where we share a pet, but not to the level where I trust you with anything I care about." The guilt trip potential is enormous once the goldfish inevitably dies.

Be advised, women often say or do the opposite of what they mean. This is probably a systemic guerrilla tactic used to disrupt the normal operation of patriarchal society. But if you follow my advice tomorrow you just might be enjoying mind-blowing lovin'. In a very, very good way.

Sean Tierney is a senior in the College of Arts and Science.  He can be reached at sean.f.tierney@vanderbilt.edu.