Contrary to popular belief, the first fraternities were formed as a way to assist those struggling in physics. It was discovered that at prestigious universities around the world, students were having difficulty not with the mathematics behind physics, but with the memorization of all the Greek letters. Students could not keep their omegas and thetas separate until one day, two identical twins known only as “the brothers” organized a house in which they could practice physics.

Due to their intimate knowledge of the Greek lettering system and the practice they received on the side, the brothers quickly became the top of their class in physics. Others wondered how they had become so knowledgeable, but the brothers decided previously not to divulge their secrets to those who were not worthy. To become worthy, other students needed to accomplish such physics-related tasks such as memorizing the house’s song (the study of wavelengths), submitting to paddling (the study of collisions), and running naked through the lawns (the study of aerodynamics). Only once these tasks were accomplished could the so-called “pledges” become brothers as well.

When women first started attending universities en masse in the late 1800s and early 1900s, they fell behind in physics without an institution to help them. They asked the brothers if they too could become members, but the brothers were reluctant to admit them. Admitting women into the fraternity meant they could no longer call each other brothers and would have to instead refer to each other as members — a step they were convinced required too much effort to be practical. Also, the women were not white males who were well-off, a prerequisite for admittance. Instead, the brothers helped the ladies form houses of their own, which they called sororities. In a spurt of genius, the two original brothers came up with a spectacularly innovative and original name for the women at these houses: “sisters.”

While sororities have been around for some time now, the attention of most is still focused on the frat houses because that is where the most intensive study of physics occurs. Some of the houses are even referred to as “dry houses,” which may seem unappealing to those who are unenlightened, but it is in these houses that the best work is accomplished. One must note that the term “dry” here means dull or boring, referring to what most students study in physics. Dry physics is simply the unrealistic, frictionless approach to physics as a whole. Because of this reason, in these dry houses students dump liters upon liters of beer on the floor in an effort to remove friction. One should not make the common mistake of associating dry fraternities with a lack of alcohol.

However, the studying does not end there. Every couple of weekends, a fraternity will host a study party in which students and brothers alike give up their weekend evenings to study physics (one should note that in the words “study party,” the “study” part is silent). In preparation for these study parties, the brothers buy tons of beer to be dumped on the floor (true physics students only go to those fraternity houses where they know there will be lots of beer and therefore very low friction). Once the study parties begin, guys grind with girls in an attempt to master not only translational motion but also rotational motion. The guys who excel most at this sometimes even bring their study partners back to their dorm rooms for an extended study session into other subjects such as chemistry and anatomy (these are the type of students who love knowledge so much they desire to be experts in multiple subjects). Alas, all good things must end. The evening comes to a close and the students go back to classes until the next eagerly-anticipated study party.

As it is easy to see, the Greek community is essential to the survival of young physicists. Without Greek Life, the Vanderbilt physics department would have closed down decades ago. Instead, new physicists are leaving Vanderbilt every year to practice the extremely dry subject of string theory (it is so dry one cannot even perform observable experiments that relate to it). Some people wonder how Vanderbilt does it, and the answer is clear: Greek life. Thank God for the Greeks.

—Phil Ingram is a first-year student in the School of Engineering. He can be reached at philip.d.ingram@vanderbilt.edu.